apologies and words never forgotten

everyone out there who read my last post I'm sorry for all the hateful words I said, I have been in a bad place the past few days and I needed a rant. Sorry about taking it out on you guys, that was never my intention. Now onto what I have to say there are a lot of people out there confused on whats going on between me and another blogger out there, to be quite honest I am too but if I can shed a little light on the situation there has been an issue between me and this other person and the schools resolution was to keep each other apart which hasn't worked much. But it is what it is I honestly want my friend back and in my opinion it was going good, I don't know how she sees it but that's not my say. but as I'm sitting her right now, I cant help but look on the memories, my absolute favorite day was the day me and her took my senior pics. The photographer did an amazing job on them, and they are pictures I'll never let go of because of how happy I was then. But now I'm not so happy that's why I look back on the good times when I was, and wish that I could get that back. But I had to mess everything up but you know it takes more than one person to tango its not all my fault but im not saying I'm a saint either, with this last fight that ended everything. there are many things that were left unsaid, that I wish I could say, but I know she wont wanna hear it, or maybe she will I'll have no idea unless she decides to have a civilized conversation with me. until that happens Ill just lay in the background. what else can I say now much I missed the chance of having a friend, well yea I miss it and I'm sorry for the things that were said in anger. No mater how much I wish to go back to those moments and change it I cant, if I could I would have chosen my words better. But I cant I cant even ask for a second chance either because of how pissed she is, and I understand but the thought that I don't care that's wrong I care more than I care about myself I know its not right to say, but it is true all I can ever say now is be a better you and ill be here trying to be a better me. I was hoping you would get to see me make a better me by being my friend, maybe when things cool down a little bit we can stay in touch just not be friends. But who knows how life works its mysterious, you never know whats around the next corner. Not only am i going to work on myself I'm also going to keep promises I have made to her, and I hope she does the same for me but if not I

understand.

all this shit its just...FUCKED?!?!?!?!?!?!

you know what how can someone change in less than 24 hours, I mean seriously saying oh I can't lose you again, I'm begging you be my friend don't leave me. saying all this bullshit while balling her eyes out in front of me and because I care and tell her we can still be friends. being so fucking worried all night long about how she is doing, and if she will be okay just to find out she fucked me over again, and  i lost another friend. The one I talked about in the last post the one I thought would hold my back till the end the one I was fighting for the one I wanted to be my ride to die if any of that ever meant anything to you would have seen that I was upset that you would do that and that i was worried and caring about you the whole time and didn't get a moments of sleep all because of you because of how much i care and how much this can hurt and now as I'm typing this close to tears because of what I lost AGAIN because I cared to much and now I'm spiraling out of control losing myself in a sea of depression all over again because i lost the one thing that meant the most to me and will probably never get her back ever all I ever wanted to do was be the best friend I could with our history and now all that went to shit because you changed your mind and I don't even know why it changed I'm left in total darkness left to my thoughts as to why, why does this happen to me every time I get close enough to your heart and yet I get pushed further and further away with every step towards my goal I just end up having to start at the bottom again. I just cant help but feel played by the one i trusted most getting played by love yet again and now I have nothing to show for it except a file folder full of pictures that we took all those months ago when it was blistering cold outside and it pains me that I'll never get to feel your warm touch or the long talks and cuddles in bed as we drift off to sleep in  each others arms I'll miss those times but I will also miss the less than a week chance you gave trying to be my friend and if you read this at some point I may be in pain for the loss of a friend a girlfriend and my partner in crime I'll still be here waiting on your shelf of lost souls were you can always find a friend in me no matter how much the pain takes me away from life you always have a place with me and yet as I'm listening to that special song I'll say this one last time. When can I come home? for home is where the heart is. but my home has been broken by lies and problems and my fear is never having a home again.