all this shit its just...FUCKED?!?!?!?!?!?!

you know what how can someone change in less than 24 hours, I mean seriously saying oh I can't lose you again, I'm begging you be my friend don't leave me. saying all this bullshit while balling her eyes out in front of me and because I care and tell her we can still be friends. being so fucking worried all night long about how she is doing, and if she will be okay just to find out she fucked me over again, and  i lost another friend. The one I talked about in the last post the one I thought would hold my back till the end the one I was fighting for the one I wanted to be my ride to die if any of that ever meant anything to you would have seen that I was upset that you would do that and that i was worried and caring about you the whole time and didn't get a moments of sleep all because of you because of how much i care and how much this can hurt and now as I'm typing this close to tears because of what I lost AGAIN because I cared to much and now I'm spiraling out of control losing myself in a sea of depression all over again because i lost the one thing that meant the most to me and will probably never get her back ever all I ever wanted to do was be the best friend I could with our history and now all that went to shit because you changed your mind and I don't even know why it changed I'm left in total darkness left to my thoughts as to why, why does this happen to me every time I get close enough to your heart and yet I get pushed further and further away with every step towards my goal I just end up having to start at the bottom again. I just cant help but feel played by the one i trusted most getting played by love yet again and now I have nothing to show for it except a file folder full of pictures that we took all those months ago when it was blistering cold outside and it pains me that I'll never get to feel your warm touch or the long talks and cuddles in bed as we drift off to sleep in  each others arms I'll miss those times but I will also miss the less than a week chance you gave trying to be my friend and if you read this at some point I may be in pain for the loss of a friend a girlfriend and my partner in crime I'll still be here waiting on your shelf of lost souls were you can always find a friend in me no matter how much the pain takes me away from life you always have a place with me and yet as I'm listening to that special song I'll say this one last time. When can I come home? for home is where the heart is. but my home has been broken by lies and problems and my fear is never having a home again.