apologies and words never forgotten

everyone out there who read my last post I'm sorry for all the hateful words I said, I have been in a bad place the past few days and I needed a rant. Sorry about taking it out on you guys, that was never my intention. Now onto what I have to say there are a lot of people out there confused on whats going on between me and another blogger out there, to be quite honest I am too but if I can shed a little light on the situation there has been an issue between me and this other person and the schools resolution was to keep each other apart which hasn't worked much. But it is what it is I honestly want my friend back and in my opinion it was going good, I don't know how she sees it but that's not my say. but as I'm sitting her right now, I cant help but look on the memories, my absolute favorite day was the day me and her took my senior pics. The photographer did an amazing job on them, and they are pictures I'll never let go of because of how happy I was then. But now I'm not so happy that's why I look back on the good times when I was, and wish that I could get that back. But I had to mess everything up but you know it takes more than one person to tango its not all my fault but im not saying I'm a saint either, with this last fight that ended everything. there are many things that were left unsaid, that I wish I could say, but I know she wont wanna hear it, or maybe she will I'll have no idea unless she decides to have a civilized conversation with me. until that happens Ill just lay in the background. what else can I say now much I missed the chance of having a friend, well yea I miss it and I'm sorry for the things that were said in anger. No mater how much I wish to go back to those moments and change it I cant, if I could I would have chosen my words better. But I cant I cant even ask for a second chance either because of how pissed she is, and I understand but the thought that I don't care that's wrong I care more than I care about myself I know its not right to say, but it is true all I can ever say now is be a better you and ill be here trying to be a better me. I was hoping you would get to see me make a better me by being my friend, maybe when things cool down a little bit we can stay in touch just not be friends. But who knows how life works its mysterious, you never know whats around the next corner. Not only am i going to work on myself I'm also going to keep promises I have made to her, and I hope she does the same for me but if not I

understand.

all this shit its just...FUCKED?!?!?!?!?!?!

you know what how can someone change in less than 24 hours, I mean seriously saying oh I can't lose you again, I'm begging you be my friend don't leave me. saying all this bullshit while balling her eyes out in front of me and because I care and tell her we can still be friends. being so fucking worried all night long about how she is doing, and if she will be okay just to find out she fucked me over again, and  i lost another friend. The one I talked about in the last post the one I thought would hold my back till the end the one I was fighting for the one I wanted to be my ride to die if any of that ever meant anything to you would have seen that I was upset that you would do that and that i was worried and caring about you the whole time and didn't get a moments of sleep all because of you because of how much i care and how much this can hurt and now as I'm typing this close to tears because of what I lost AGAIN because I cared to much and now I'm spiraling out of control losing myself in a sea of depression all over again because i lost the one thing that meant the most to me and will probably never get her back ever all I ever wanted to do was be the best friend I could with our history and now all that went to shit because you changed your mind and I don't even know why it changed I'm left in total darkness left to my thoughts as to why, why does this happen to me every time I get close enough to your heart and yet I get pushed further and further away with every step towards my goal I just end up having to start at the bottom again. I just cant help but feel played by the one i trusted most getting played by love yet again and now I have nothing to show for it except a file folder full of pictures that we took all those months ago when it was blistering cold outside and it pains me that I'll never get to feel your warm touch or the long talks and cuddles in bed as we drift off to sleep in  each others arms I'll miss those times but I will also miss the less than a week chance you gave trying to be my friend and if you read this at some point I may be in pain for the loss of a friend a girlfriend and my partner in crime I'll still be here waiting on your shelf of lost souls were you can always find a friend in me no matter how much the pain takes me away from life you always have a place with me and yet as I'm listening to that special song I'll say this one last time. When can I come home? for home is where the heart is. but my home has been broken by lies and problems and my fear is never having a home again. 

T

his is my fourth post and as this time rolls around things are starting to look up for me I'm less depressed, and more out going than I was the past few weeks because of that girl trouble. but now things have moved on and sometimes for the better. I have not given up the fight to win her heart back and that will never change, but what I have to do right now is focus on myself and getting my weight down, because I just went to the doctor and I got some alarming news. my blood pressure is 183/112 in most cases they say I should be right about due for a stroke, and with me at 17 years old that doesn't sound good at all. I have my whole life ahead of me, and to get that it could all just go away. when my Blood pressure was taken I maxed out at 265 pounds. After about a week and a half of eating right and exercising I have gotten down to 257, but im not stopping there I have a long way to go. I need to get down to at least 200 pound to be healthy again. that was my big wake up call that I need to start taking care of myself better, which I plan to do.

 it also showed me who really cared about me.When I told them the news and surprise surprise it was that beautiful girl that I'm fighting to get back in my life who cared the most, being friends I guess that's a good thing because it shows how true friends can be. Just like the one that's sitting next to me as a write this out for you guys I consider him to be like a brother to me, we have held each others back through think and thin and that what makes a true friend. I'm grateful to have those friends, but truthfully I think I'll only have a few friends my life and I don't really care those few friends are what mean the most to me, because they will stand by me when times are hard, and help me get through it like i will for them. That's what means the most to me so thank you guys for having my back when no one else would.\

(and yes Mrs mo this paper is over 300 words its 400 to be exact)

love is all I have

now I may be ahead of the ball, but I wrote a song and I'm pretty proud of it. I have never been able to write a full song before, only bits and pieces. not everyone has what it takes to write a song after the one that just dumped them, but in my case its how I show love better than I ever have been able to with words, so anyways here's the song so I can stop my rambling.

Yea now I know I was a fool for acting like a total tool

Don’t get me wrong I understand

You Polly never want to date me again

No matter how much I wanted to put that band on your finger

Don’t get me wrong I haven’t given up on the fight for you

I’ll keep drawing all those tribal love symbols

cuz it was you who made me realize what I was meant to do

you put me in my place now it’s time for me to change face

I got man up and be the one that you need in your life

And yea I know I didn’t always treat you right

But I’m here to tell you my heart has taken flight

Not everything is as what it seems

Chorus x2

 but I will always love you no matter how far away I am

you’ll always be in my heart and on my mind your there to stay

my love will always be here for you to claim every night and day

because baby I’m here to stay

now I know I lost a lot and I may not get you back

but all I can ask is that you listen to this track

I laid it out for you and only you

If you don’t believe that my love for you is true

Just take a look at what I’m writing here

All the other guys will be saying aww no more tears

Don’t let him hurt you like he did before

But you don’t know what’s actually in store

Because ill love you from today and forever more

but I will always love you no matter how far away I am

chorus x2

you’ll always be in my heart and on my mind your there to stay

my love will always be here for you to claim every night and day

Because baby I’m here to stay 

my second post is a song i have the lyrics and I have the music video this song means a lot to me because it was mine and her song and it hold great meaning especially now that were no longer together.

"The Mortician's Daughter"

I open my lungs dear
I sing this song at funerals... no rush.
These lyrics heard a thousand times, just plush.
A baby boy you've held so tightly,
This pain it visits almost nightly
Missing hotel beds, I feel your touch.

I will await dear, a patience of eternity, my crush.
A universe so still.
No rust.
No dust will ever grow on this frame,
One million years, and I will say your name.
I love you more than I can ever scream.

We booked our flight those years ago,
I said I loved you as I left you.
Regrets still haunt my hollow head,
But I promised you that I will see you again, again.

I sit here and smile dear.
I smile because I think of you and I blush.
These bleeding hollow dials, this fuss.
A fuss is made of miles and travel
Roadways are but stones and gravel.
A bleeding heart can conquer every crush.

We booked our flight those years ago
You said you loved me as you left me.
Regrets still haunt your saddened head,
But I promised you that I will see you.

We booked our flight those years ago
I said I loved you as I left you
Regret's no longer in my head,
But I promised you and now I'm home again, again, again, I'm home again, again, again.

I'm home again.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_FXeoAAOn8

why ill never give up hope

I'm here to post a bunch of random shit about me and my life and what things I do and how to get through life in general.

That's my intro time to get to my post. life sucks but the only way to get through it is to grab it by the horns and take as much in as you can before it runs your ass over. not only does life fuck you over sometimes but girls can do the same, 

after so much you have been through and how hard you try nothing will be enough to make things right. for some girls your hardest Isn't enough they want more than that so in turn they break you heart. 

Now I'm not saying I'm a saint I did a lot of bad shit to get what I deserved but honestly after living and learning from my mistakes I think I'm ready to be in the right place again.

 I'll work on what I need to so thing can work out how I think that idea is strange because I honestly thought it to be true. 

Now that everything is said and done with I find it hard to move on, at all I'm stuck in one spot because I just cant move on because I'm still in love she may not be and I know she will be reading this at some point but honestly I think she is still the one for me and it will be hard to move on I may never do it honestly but what I do know is that I would wait forever to see that beautiful, amazing,sweet,funny,and just all around wonderful girl in my arms again, 

with all of that said I know I got a lot to work on to make that happen again and I plan to do it. so guys here's a good tip treat your girls right or the ones that you thought were meant to be for you will end up leaving you in the dust without a look back, although

 I was lucky enough to get a friend out of the one I lost there aren't many like that out there once there gone there gone and you'll never get her back.